Category Archives: Product Reviews

Fusion Jerky

June 11, 2015 Johnny Prime Leave a comment

I’ve been chowing on jerky lately. I keep finding good new shit. My wife and I grabbed these on an impulse purchase at Bed Bath & Beyond, of all places. I suppose these are considered part of the “beyond” section. Anyway, bastards, these are really freaking delicious. Lemon pepper chicken and island teriyaki pork jerky by Fusion Jerky. Pick up a bag if you see them. There was a spicy chipotle beef flavor as well. Should have gotten all three.

The meat wasn’t too chewy, like some jerky can be. For the chicken, that might have been because it doesn’t have the same fibrous consistency as beef. But the pork was pretty easy to chew as well. The flavors were intense but not overpowering. I couldn’t stop shoveling this crap into my body.

Update: This flavor was great too.

Product Reviews

The Searzall

June 11, 2015 Johnny Prime Leave a comment

I was watching some Mind of a Chef recently (Season One), and I saw some dudes using this fucking crazy-ass device called a Searzall. After some further internet research, I found that the creators (Booker & Dax Labs) did a Kickstarter campaign to get the ball rolling on their product.

Chef David Chang took a big liking too it. He actually has his guys use it at Momofuku Ko to get the fish skin nice and crispy:

The Searzall itself is actually just an attachment. To put the whole device together you will need other shit. I nabbed a blow torch, a can of propane, and a Searzall, because I want to flame my steak shit sometimes instead of finishing in a pan. Below I’ve included a few pics of the shit I used to assemble the Searzall:

SEAR THE FUCK OUT OF SHIT. Get medieval with a blowtorch! I use a Searzall on my sous vide steaks, because I’m a fucking badass with a massive bag dangling in the area between my asshole and my dick shaft. Listen to that fucking sizzle just before I flip it over:

So you probably get the impression that I love this thing; I do. It’s like having a power tool for cooking. It’s manly. But I think it takes some practice to really become skilled with it, just like a table saw or any other power tool in the garage or at the construction site.

For example, if you take your cooked meat directly from the oven or the sous vide bag and started searing it with a Searzall, you’ll ruin the food. You need to wait until that shit cools down significantly, otherwise you’ll end up adding too much heat to an already hot item. You’ll overcook the center of the meat, not just add crisp to the outside. Also, this works nice for fish. The skin and flesh get really crispy. But you need to give the fish a light spread of butter or olive oil first, so you have flavor and brown-colored crisp instead of pure, black, burnt fish skin charcoal.

Jerky, Press Reviews, Product Reviews

Lawless Jerky

April 29, 2015 Johnny Prime Leave a comment

Attorney Matt Tolnick created Lawless Jerky and got the fuck out of the lawyering game. God bless him, and good for him. I’m trying to do the same (though not with jerky, of course), so I know how real that struggle can be.

Anyway this stuff is essentially craft beef jerky, all natural, no preservatives, no nitrates/nitrites, and with real flavors that are different from all the rest of the slimy, waxy, over-processed shit you’re seeing out there today at gas stations and in supermarket check-out aisles around the country. You can actually pronounce the list of ingredients, like onion powder and paprika. No chemical garbage. And all the jerky is made from 100% grass-fed beef, so it’s lean, and only 80-85 calories per serving, depending on the flavor. That’s great for weight-conscious guys like me, and it comes in re-sealable ziplock style packages, so you can lock in the freshness if you don’t devour the entire bag at once.

How did I hear about this shit? A buddy of mine told me about this stuff and dropped a coupon code on me so I could try a bunch at a good price. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that this code was reserved for military personnel only, shipping only to legit military addresses. I felt like a big, fat dick when the good people at Lawless Jerky contacted me, asking for my bona fides to make sure I was legit military. I’m not. And I’m glad to see that these guys are actually checking up on things to make sure the sanctity of that coupon code only applies to our brave soldiers who sacrifice every day for our pathetic asses. Good on you, Lawless Jerky! And I apologize for the mix-up.

The gents quickly and painlessly refunded me, but also sent along a sampling of jerky to me anyway, free of charge. I was shocked! I was totally ready and willing to pay full price, as I had heard great things and the flavor descriptions are very enticing.

What are these flavors, you ask?

Japanese Curry; Pho; Sweet Sriracha; Aloha Teriyaki; Honey Chipotle; and Mango Habanero. HOLY FUCK! How can you try one and not any of the others?!?? I will eat pho flavored shit if served to me on a nice plate… maybe… But seriously, just reading these flavors caused a hair-raising, salivary gland-squeezing, teeth watering (yes… teeth watering) crave to sweep over my entire gustatory system. I needed these things in my gut at once.

So what’s my verdict? My holding, my decision, if you will? AWESOME! Get these fucking things ASAP. Every single flavor has something special about it that you will want to have again and again. But here’s a breakdown of the specifics of each flavor, incase you’re a big throbbing pussy and you don’t want to go in for the full sampler pack:

Japanese Curry: This definitely tasted exactly like you would expect. I was actually hoping for MORE of that characteristic curry flavor, but I was happy to see the beef shine through as the star of the show. Actually, I think this flavor would be really great on something like chicken or turkey jerky as well. I wonder if the guys at Lawless are thinking about getting into the non-beef stuff as well?

Pho: All of the right ingredients for pho are represented here in the jerky: cilantro, lime, anise, and other aromatics that you get with a delicious bowl of Vietnamese beef soup. This was a very tasty bag, but not my favorite of the six (which I had expected it to be). The great thing about this flavor is that you can really taste that meaty flavor. Like pho, this jerky is all about the meat itself as opposed to the coating of flavor.

Sweet Sriracha: Candidate for best flavor of the group, this was the right balance of sweet and spicy together, with a generous coating of flavoring on each piece of beef in the bag. And with the meteoric rise in popularity of Sriracha sauce, this baby should catch on as a big money maker for Lawless. Well played!

Aloha Teriyaki: This was nice because it had sesame seeds sprinkled on the beef. The flavoring was more of a glaze, as you might expect, as opposed to the dry seasonings on the Sweet Sriracha and Japanese Curry flavors. But it wasn’t wet like some Asian flavored jerky is. This is a comfortable and easy to eat jerky. A definite pleaser for all fans of jerky.

Honey Chipotle: This was my least favorite of the bunch, but that doesn’t mean it was bad by any means. I really enjoyed it. I think, for me, this simply was the most “safe” or “common” flavor of the group, aside from maybe the Aloha Teriyaki flavor. As such, I wasn’t as excited about it, but I still kept reaching in for more. This, like Aloha Teriyaki, is a crowd pleaser as well. Easily scarfed down at parties or while making a long cross country drive.

Mango Habanero: This was very close to being my favorite. It’s neck and neck with the Sweet Sriracha for me, but my wife gave this one her choice for favorite. It, too, has the right balance of sweet and spicy. Really nice. There’s something magical about this flavor combination. I even love it at Buffalo Wild Wings. Ha!

So there you have it. I think these would even be good with dipping sauces that you can make at home to match the flavors listed on the bag. So good. Be a man and get them all, and tell your military pals about the deal. I think they’re still offering some deals for active military. Check out their Twitter page for updates and other deals.

Commentary, Product Reviews

Mosner Meat & Butchery Class

April 6, 2014 Johnny Prime 3 Comments

For our fifth wedding anniversary, my awesome wife surprised the shit out of me with a butchery class and tour at the Mosner family meat processing plant in Hunt’s Point in the Bronx.

The business has been around for nearly six decades, starting with meat deliveries from the back of a station wagon until the brand slowly built up to become a well known, high-end meat distributor for some of the area’s finest steakhouses and meat purveyors.

Three grandchildren of the original Mosner start-up (Seth, Jessica, and Ben) run the incredibly informative tour and butchery class on Saturdays. The first thing you’ll do is suit up in a butcher’s coat and some gloves. Just a word of advice – bundle up if you do this. Inside it is just about freezing.

It starts out with introductions and some information from Jessica about the company, what they do, the history, etc. Then comes an awesome, testosterone building meat chant in call-and-response format. MEAT MEAT MEAT! This is a shot of Ben pulling us in for the huddle just before the chanting began.

Once inside, the learning begins. Seth and Ben informed us about the lamb and veal they deal in, including how it is treated at the farm (they enjoy a stress free and healthy life, which makes for better flavors), how it is slaughtered (with the utmost standards of humaneness), and how it is processed (skilled artists and craftsmen butchers).

Check out some of the other beautiful decor here:

A peek underneath the skirt of some hanging lamb

Next up, Jessica runs through some of the important (and often times confusing to those not in the know) labels that the meat industry applies to various products.

“Antibiotic Free” vs “No Antibiotics,” for example (“No Antibiotics” means NO ANTIBIOTICS have ever been in the animal. “Antibiotic Free” means that there were no traces of antibiotics in the animal at the time of slaughter, but that doesn’t mean the animal never had any antibiotics in its lifetime). Here’s a nice little print-out that they gave the class: not everything we learned is on here, but this is a great start.

After this, we watched Chris, AKA “Da Butcher,” perform a lightning fast demo of his amazing butchery skills as he broke down the roast and rib ends of a pig in what had to be under 3 minutes WITH pauses in place to show us and explain what he was doing.

"Da Butcher" in action — “Da Butcher” in action

Da Butcher's Artwork — Da Butcher’s Artwork

Then we had an opportunity to buy some high end meat at super wholesale prices. I’m talking PRIME beef for $9.99/lb. They even had an entire trailer full of game meats, with lots of harder to find stuff like elk, duck, venison, kangaroo, gator, snake, ostrich, pheasant, squab and others. Are you FUCKING serious?!?? I was in heaven! We decided to get some rarities like duck sausage and confit duck legs, but I could have easily blown the mortgage on this delicious shit.

Now for the hands-on stuff. I had to put my camera down, so there are no “action” photos, but we all got to do what “Da Butcher” did in his demo: namely, slice up the roast and rib of the pig.

We were instructed on everything from the best way to hold the knife, to how to properly get the meat off the bone without nicking or slicing up the good bits. Afterwards, we took all our cuts over to the vaccum sealer and put them into boxes that were pre-labeled with our names on them. That’s right – you get to bring home all that delicious piggy meat that you just butchered!!!

I watched as the staff expertly portioned and wrapped the prime stuff that other classmates had purchased.

"Da Butcher" trims some of the fat off before it heads to the sealer — “Da Butcher” trims some of the fat off before it heads to the sealer

Porterhouses coming off the vacuum sealer

Then Ben took me around to show me some of the offal that they sell as well. I’m talking everything – liver, heart, bones, sweetbreads – you name it, they sling it.

As you may have guessed, I’ve reviewed some of their steakhouse customers, and I have to tell you: there is a stark and obvious correlation. The places that use Mosner to source their meat all have excellent ratings on my leaderboard.

What an amazing gift! If you guys get a chance, you should definitely go as well. Not only do you learn a lot about the meat proteins you are eating, but you will come away with a great appreciation for the hard work and effort that goes into bringing these products to your dinner table. My wife knows that I secretly wish I were a butcher, so this was a real treat for me. Look – I even got a participation award.

Once we got home, I was itching to try some of what we just worked on, so I took the stew meat scraps and threw them into the slow cooker with apple moonshine, apple sauce, apple flavored water, and a bunch of mulling type spices like cinnamon and cloves.

Me, magic-wanding in a mix of kosher salt and crushed red pepper

20140405_182207 — stew meat swimming in the slow cooker

I set it on low and slow. Four hours later the result was amazing. My wife and I threw it onto a sandwich with some pickled cabbage and a spicy mayo. Check out the recipe HERE.

Commentary, Product Reviews

The Whisky Advent Calendar

December 24, 2013 Johnny Prime 2 Comments

I guess this can serve as the Johnny Prime Christmas post. Some of you may have seen some links of this thing floating around this year (or maybe last year, if you’re cool like me). My wife gave me this as an early Christmas gift in 2012. I didn’t drink them at the time, thinking that I might save them for a special time. But when this year rolled around, I figured what the fuck – may as well drink them now. A whisky a day keeps the steak cravings at bay, and I decided to use the empties as Christmas Tree decorations. There were some really fucking great scotches in this collection. Seriously. Take a look at some of the vintages. Bottles for some cost upwards of $200. Only bad thing: the advent calendar only has 24 days rather than 25. Not sure if that is traditionally the way the calendars worked. My only real experience with them is digging the molded chocolates out each day as a kid, or looking at the pictures behind the windows without really reading the scripture. So anyway… Merry Christmas. Here are all the whiskies, in all of Jesus’ birthday glory, each day with some taste notes I jotted down along the way. The pictures get a little more creative and interesting as you get toward the end.